Been There, Done That
Advice From Parents Who’ve Been Through It All—From Planning The Big Day To Appreciating One Of The Most Significant Passages In Their Child’s Life

By Marla J. Wasserman

It’s more emotional than you may realize. “The bat mitzvah is a wonderful, magical day. I felt more like a parent that day than when I gave birth. It was a much more emotional day than I realized, and it really goes so quickly, so make sure to just enjoy it. We were on a high for quite a while after that.”

—Debbie Biegen

Make it about the child. “It’s got to be all about the kid. Make your organizing principle about your child and let him/her have input, within reason. They want their real friends there. It shouldn’t be a wedding. If it is about inviting everyone you know professionally, it’s not going to be all about the kid.”

—Eric Seiler

Let Judaism infuse the entire evening. “Starting with the invitation, I think it is important that a Jewish feeling permeate the whole event, so I made sure to have something Jewish on the invitation (for example, my son’s had a tallit and quoted a Torah passage). I also had a brochure made up for the guests in which we explained the meaning of the bar or bat mitzvah and talked about the elements of the service, as not everyone there understands everything taking place. We also had the kipas ?hand-woven by Bulgarian Jews through a program done in partnership with The American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. The program is called “Manos Bendichas,” or “Blessed Hands,” and the women embroider the kipas, and the money goes towards helping the Jewish community of Bulgaria. This helps the children understand “tikun olam” and their responsibility to help repair the world. We donated the center-pieces from the party to charity. We like to make the evening mitzvah oriented. Even though the kids will have a great time and everyone will dance and have fun, the feeling of Judaism permeates the whole event and makes it very meaningful and special.”

—Karen Gantz Zahler

Planning takes time and thought. “Take the time to actually plan. Think of what type of event you want and look for a place that matches the mood and your budget….I really wanted this to be a meaningful family event, with our taste and choices.”

—Joan Solotar

Keep it in perspective. “Savor the moment, and don’t lose perspective about what the tradition is all about. To that end, try to get as many of the “little things” done early so that the period before the bar mitzvah can really be all about the important things: the ceremony and preparing for that, the gathering of family and friends and the excitement of what is to come.”

—Leslie Cornfeld

Make charity part of the day. “A bar mitzvah should be appropriate to what you are celebrating. The day should be about the child and not the parents, and it should be tied into a meaningful learning experience and a chesed (charitable) project.”

—Barry Stein

Consider having a bar mitzvah in Israel. “We have four kids, and two did their b’nai mitzvah in Manhattan, but we decided for our twins to do it in Israel. Israel was very complicated but, honestly, Israel beat New York by 1000 percent. We had a conservative service in Tel Aviv, took our guests to Jerusalem, had a private lunch at a museum in Jaffa and a party in Caesaria. It was exciting and different. But I would not recommend having your child’s bar/bat mitzvah in Israel if you don’t know people there; we had lived there. It was hard to organize.”

—Louisa Bohm

Have a sense of humor. “Re-member, it is a thirteenth birthday, not a coronation.”

—Lori Moore